Perhaps until now I still fall in love with you. Therefore, I am always worried to be broken. 😔
I still cannot love you the way Rumi suggests to love, "Don't love only in the eyes, but love in the heart and soul. You will still love the person although you don't always see him/ her, because the person you love is in your heart and soul. So, no matter he/she is away from you, no matter he/she is married to someone else, your love still stays the same."
MS48 16.55 17.04.2023
This was what happened to me a year ago, around March 2022. The way you stole my attention -- related to my lifetime idol -- was really unpredictable. The way you flirt me was at first confusing me. However, everything just happened naturally.
And our long conversation about anything eventually made me fall for you. I thought I was fortunate to find you back then. We have (or 'had'?) many things in common and we both are interested in many things. Therefore, then, I dubbed you as my other half.
Unfortunately you are committed with someone and I am committed with someone else too. 😔
So, what is our falling in love for?
I remember one time you cited a title of a song: "Forever love" in our chat. At that time I was wondering if there would be "forever" in our kinda relationship? Do you want me to love you forever? Will you love me forever too? Wouldn't you feel guilty toward the one you have been committed with? If that moment comes, what will you do? What am I supposed to do?
If that moment comes, and perhaps you will have to stay away from me, don't you think my heart will be broken? So, why did you flirt me back then?
Forever in love is just bull shit, isn't it?
PT56 16.16 16.04.2023
I remember one time you wrote a comment somewhere, "when someone really falls in love, he/she cannot avoid being 'bucin'; consequently, he/she cannot avoid being broken-hearted."
Did you mean to break my heart too at that time, when 'asking' me to be your lover?
Fragment: My Romantic Other Half
After leaving the gathering, in the car he played some songs. The first song was "I love you this much" by Maggie McNeal. Owh, the song reminded me of my junior high school time, this was one song I memorized in order to get more vocabulary. Well, we were around the same age, it is understandable then if we both knew some old songs. He sang along together while McNeal's voice filled the air in the car. Wow. I remember one time he said that he was not confident to sing because his voice was just so so. But, he sang! Hearing his voice singing made me smile.
The second song was "Together in electric dream" by Philip Oakey. Aha! He knew that song! I first heard this song when I was in senior high school, my brother introduced that song to me. This time, I sang along together. Hearing me singing, he asked, "oh, you know this song?" I nodded, "Yes, sure," said I; then we sang together.
He drove the car in a 'normal' speed, not too fast, not to slowly either. The traffic was not that crowded, a perfect situation.
The third song
was "Take my hand for a while" by Glenn Campbell. It was followed by
"The Way of Love" by Clifford T. Ward. This one was not familiar to
me. I tried paying attention to the lyric. (He said that before loving a certain song, he would pay to the attention the lyric first.)
You will know when love has come
For all the world will smile for you
And more than anything you'll try
To keep this love so true
You will know the feeling well
She's everything your dreams have made
But in so doing she may turn
For dreams are known
I was speechless. Apparently those four songs were all love songs! And out of the blue something came to my mind, a feeling that he prepared those special songs in the player, to listen to together with me, while we were on the way somewhere.
Perhaps he saw my dumbfounded facial expression, so he asked me, "Are you sleepy?"
"No, not at all. i drank coffee before. I filled this tumbler with cappuccino, you know."
"I see."
"But can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Did you prepare this special playlist with those love songs to listen to together with me?" I was not sure, actually. Was he that romantic? He didn't seem to be romantic person to me.
To my
surprise, he answered, "yes. For you. Well, you know, I have never been a romantic person before. But to you, I don't know, it just felt so natural."
Wow! Absolutely he made me feel like I was flying in sky, without wings!
"Oh baby, I love you!" wish I could whisper this to his ear, but I was shy to directly say this to him, in our first date, although we have said the magical sentence to each other many times before.
Falling in love is awesome! The one we fall for returns our feeling is a miracle!
PPU 15.48 08.04.2023
Mr. Big and Carrie had sex in their first date. Not so special, eh? We did it too! Lol oh, it was not just sex, it was lovemaking. I knew it.
I have killed my expectation on you in order to avoid being ignored, unwanted, and unloved.
It started on the day when you told me you believed in sins and you were afraid of going to hell as the consequences. So, a year ago why did you want to be with me, at the first place? As two people who were crazily in love with each other (back then), of course we couldn't avoid touching each other, hugging each other.
Was it merely because you wanted to make nostalgia between us, as once you said?
I have always wanted you but our meeting perhaps will lead you to sins.
I have always missed you but I know I had better stop expecting to be with you again.
I have tried my best but still I can't.
I am still struggling.
21.45 07.04.2023
 |
| model: Lee Majors, my childhood crush 💓 |
LELAKIKU
telah kutemukan laki-laki yang mampu menyisiri otakku
dan memahami segala kegelisahanku
yang mampu bangkitkan hasrat purbaku sebagai perempuan seutuhnya
hingga aku jatuh cinta
dan begitu saja aku selalu menyenandungkan lagu kasmaran
jangan letih mencintaiku
janganlah terhenti
jangan lelah menyayangiku
hingga bumi tak bermentari
tak ada kasih yang sepertimu
yang pernah aku miliki
sungguh tak bisa aku berpaling
menjauh darimu
09.24 07/04/2022
I HAVE
I have smelled the addiction to your attention
since the first time you flirted me
I have felt the flame burning inside me
since the first time you sent me that love song
I have felt the tenderness of your heart
since the first time you lent me your ears when I needed someone to talk to
I have felt the warmth of your love
since the first time you touched me
I have felt the gentleness of your care
since
the first time you hugged me tenderly
I have smelled the intoxication
since the first time you aroused me
I have warned myself not to be lured away
since the first restlessness came to me
due to your poisonous kisses
And I have let myself fall despite the warnings from my brain
while my heart and my mind stubbornly are on you now and again
It has been too far now
and I cannot step back
to the day before all this confusion took place
"I am yours,"
You said this, a year ago, the time when we enjoyed our 'honeymoon' in falling in love with each other. I know it is something common people say when they are falling in love; therefore I understood why you said that.
Nevertheless, I felt doubtful. We couldn't deny the fact that you were committed with someone, and I was committed with someone else, too.
And it was proven: your hectic days with abundant activities you had to handle everyday made me feel like I had lost you.
You were busy
And I was lonely.
Do you still remember, darling, once upon a time you told me, "I am yours"?
PT56 12.18 05.04.2023
Sayang,
Setiap kita memiliki semacam "Fuji-san" di kepala kita masing-masing. Kata Sapardi.
Tadi pagi dia menghubungiku lagi, katamu padaku. Refleks aku menggodamu, "cie cie, yang kangen." Aku iseng saja mengetik kalimat usil itu, yang langsung kamu komentari, "siapa yang kangen? Aku? Engga kok."
Dan aku nyengir sendiri saat membacanya. Entah nyengir karena membaca komentarmu itu seolah 'self-defense', (padahal aku tidak menuduhmu) entah karena melihat sticker yang kamu kirim itu lucu, entah karena melihat kamu tersulut godaanku itu. Atau entah karena aku lega kamu bilang kamu ga kangen dia. 🤣🤣🤣
Memang benar kata Sapardi. Masing-masing dari kita sibuk dengan apa yang ada di kepala kita, yang mungkin ukurannya bisa sebesar "Fuji-san." Aku, kamu, dia, dan sesiapa pun juga.
Ah, kau tahu, Sayang? Sampai sekarang aku belum selesai juga membaca novel Sapardi yang kubeli awal Januari, hampir 2 bulan yang lalu. Terlalu sibuk ngangenin kamu. Uhuk. 🤣🤣🤣
#kisahfiktif di hari Sabtu 25.02.2023
"If only we were storybook children."
A guy once had a crush on me -- the first time he had such a feeling to a girl in his life, he said -- when he and I plus 3 other students spent 2 months together in a village, we were having our Community Service alias KKN. I was married back then. We didn't flirt each other though, so, I guess I was innocent, I didn't do anything -- flirting him, let's say -- to make him fall in love with me.
One day, nearing our going back to the university where we were studying, he said that statement, "if only we were storybook children, how happy we would be."
And I don't know why recently that statement has been echoing in my ears. Nevertheless, I know, we will not feel really happy if that is the only condition we have. Feeling happy all the time will make happiness lose its charm. We sometimes need to feel sad too in order that we can really enjoy the happy moments.
As a masochist, when you are very busy, like recently, I think I had better take it as it is. Besides, I don't have any other choice, do i?
PT56 17.27 04.04.2023
Never will I forget
The beautiful moments we have shared
When you kissed my lips gently
And you touched my body lovingly
Never will I forget
The intimate moments we have spent
When you were on top of me
And slowly but surely we reached the ultimate ecstasy
Never will I stop
Hoping that we will have time
To share our passion again
Never will I cease
Expecting that we will be together
To consummate our love again
I feel contented enough to love you from a distance; I never fancy picturing myself to be in her position, though sometimes it is painful not to be the first priority in your life. (I am in fact still 'that' masochist?)
I feel enough to be in my place. So far.
What will happen later, let it happen
Love will find the way, people say, whatever the way is like
GCT 12.12 03.04.2023
PUZZLE
Exactly.
And I am supposed not to feel worried where you put me in your life, aren't I?
No matter what, your life will not be complete without me, as you have completed my life.
March 27, 2023
